There She Goes Again

[NOTE: This is the essay I wrote for my application to GEM. Wish me luck!]

It’s been a year since I first applied to GEM. In that time, I’ve waxed and waned more often than the moon. I’ve visited three countries, (Thailand, Laos, and accidently Myanmar,) tore off and re-shingled five roofs, (waking up at 4:30 in the morning every morning,) and gained a little bit of wisdom.

I’ll be honest. The thought of spending an unproductive summer stuck in Wisconsin was horrifying. I mentioned in my previous essay how much I enjoy helping others. What I didn’t mention was how I felt obligated to help them.

Like most people, I have a slight case of low self-esteem. Helping others relieves the burn of inadequacy. In my eyes, I’ve never been smart enough, funny enough, or pretty enough. Altruistic acts of kindness may be selfless in vervet monkeys and spiders, but not me. My desperate attempt to be a better person was just one of the many ways I combated depression.

I say “was” as if it’s all in the past. ‘Does that mean you aren’t interested in joining GEM anymore?’ you might ask. ‘Then why did you fill out an application?’ To relieve your doubtless confusion, I will point out again three of the most important things I achieved this past year: seeing new places, working my skeletal muscles, and developing gray matter.

Joining the Thailand Project was undoubtedly one of the most eye-opening journeys I’ve ever experienced. There was a lot of ugliness- abandoned children, starving immigrants, corrupt government- but even more beauty. The joy that Thai men, women, and children exude is astounding. They’re the poorest people I’ve met, but also the happiest. And their generosity! It’s the culture, not some stupid lack of self-worth, that makes them so giving. The people I met didn’t have an insane ‘To Do’ list like I have. They didn’t feel the need to have a 3.9 GPA or join the Peace Corps. They were happy simply to be alive.

This inspired me. It suddenly occurred to me how absurd my desire to help everyone was. Yes, there’s pain and suffering in the world, but it’ll always be there. I let my own petty wishes add to the pit of darkness. For the first time I was content with what I was doing. There was nowhere else I wanted to be, nothing else I needed to do. I was me, and that was okay.

My newfound contentment followed me back to the States. Learning about xylem and Rigoberta Menchu in Stevens Point was exactly where I was meant to be. It dawned on me how many friends I have. They don’t care if I give a million dollars to charity. In fact, they’d probably be disappointed that I didn’t give it to them. They like me, Eru knows why, for who I am. I am smart enough. I am funny enough. Who on earth cares what I look like? My body is a smooth-running machine, and I should be grateful just for that.

This sounds silly, but I was worried that satisfaction would turn me into a slacker. My friend Alex is a bright, wonderful human being who doesn’t feel the need to accomplish, well… anything. He’s a manager at Burger King in Ashland. I both hate and admire his carelessness.

“You’re capable of so much more!” I screech at him.

“So?”

My grandmother hisses the word ‘content’ like it’s a swearword.

“Eugene is content being a bum!” she spits at her cat Charnu and me. “He doesn’t have a real job!”

A lifetime’s worth of “DON’T end up like your father!” is bound to rub off somehow. I do my best to avoid his mistakes, but catch myself behaving in a disturbingly similar fashion. My ‘To Do’ list has diminished to ‘It Would Be Really Nice If…’ I still want to do what I can to protect the environment, which is why I’m majoring in resource management. Traveling continues to be fun, so I reapplied to GEM.

Of course, being an ambassador is much more than ‘fun.’ It’s a chance to make a difference, to solve a global crisis. It’s a chance to learn, to experience new ways of life. Immersing yourself in a culture unlike your own is the fastest path I know to growth. Absorbing the customs and traditions of another country is enough personal and professional incentive for me to want to go.

The exchange goes both ways. I don’t want to take a country’s knowledge and entertainment without giving something in return. I am blessed (and cursed) with a lot of energy. The Foundation for Ecological Security and Nyumbani village would be great places for me to pool my stamina.

It'd be delusional to think that I know much. I am, after all, a sophomore- “wise fool.” College and practical experience have provided me with a sturdy template for ambassadorship. Working on roofs, organic farms, and eco-villages in this country and Canada has made me familiar with rough living. Being the outreach coordinator for the Women’s Resource Center taught me about effective communication. Combine that with ample energy and sincere wish to help others, and you have me.

Satisfaction didn't turn me into a slacker. Ironically, not having to achieve my goals makes me more likely to succeed. Happiness pushes me much further than pressure. I am confident that I will excel in whatever I do, but if I don’t, I’ll forgive myself, and try again. I humbly wish, but do no not need, you to consider me as a GEM ambassador. Thank you, and namaste.